A Little Girl Lost

Archive for the ‘Sexual Abuse’ Category

God Can Heal Your Past

Earl gave me a laptop computer in 1993 and encouraged me to journal. I pecked at the keyboard each day, writing about my life. I saw terrible words appear before me. Words that made me feel dirty. Ugly. They taunted me. I couldn’t face my past so I deleted it every afternoon before Earl came home.

A few months later God began waking me in the night and reminding me of the pain I’d suffered and caused. As soon as I was in my wheelchair each morning, my aide set up my laptop and I wrote until there was nothing more to write.
Weeks went by before I sat down to read my notes. Abstract and disconnected words and phrases confused me. Finally, I asked God for clarity and we went through it a little at a time. I took one or two words and built sentences. I took two or three sentences and created paragraphs, filling in details I recalled as I wrote. Each memory seemed to trigger another and another. Soon the story became clear.
I cried as I faced my past showing in stark detail on my computer screen. I prayed for forgiveness and my tears began washing away the hatred and anger, the shame and embarrassment, the regret and more.
God began healing my past with His love that day. He has walked with me through it all and brought me into the Light.
We can’t hide from our pasts. All of our life experiences have helped form who we are today. However, God can heal your past if you ask Him. He chooses to forget our forgiven sins.

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23,24 NIV).

In Christian Love,

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When I was eleven, my father molested me. Then two neighborhood boys—one continued until my family moved several years later. As a young adult it seemed I had “RAPE ME” or “tell me your sexual problem” tattooed on my forehead. Boys and men, even some women, assaulted me in word and deed.

Marked? Yes, I am!

I have been told that a sexual predator can be placed in a room full of 100 women, and pick out the one survivor of sexual assault. I know that’s true in my case. Dating almost always ended with an assault, if only in my psyche. When I met my husband-to-be I only shared my telephone number—no address. We met at a neutral location for dates, and I was afraid to kiss him for a long time.

As a young wife I was propositioned by both a father and his son on separate occasions—in church. These attacks had a negative impact on my marriage bed. Almost 20 years later the son subtly repeated his intentions in front of his date and my husband. And I responded, at first with embarrassment like it was all my fault. Then I remembered:

Every word is another attack from Satan on my soul causing me to doubt my forgiveness of past hurts, and my salvation through Jesus Christ. I didn’t make the sign of the cross, or cast out this man’s demons—I testified to him about my life today. I told him what God has done, and is doing, in my life.

I thought my mark had disappeared with my forgiveness, but found it is still there. Will it ever be gone? I don’t know. I do know, however, that predators are everywhere. They are in all walks of life, and we survivors must be careful to protect ourselves. God’s plan does not include our destruction. Satan’s does. We are in the midst of spiritual warfare.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (Eph 6:10-17 NIV).

In Christ Alone,
Berta Dickerson

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