Earl gave me a laptop computer in 1993 and encouraged me to journal. I pecked at the keyboard each day, writing about my life. I saw terrible words appear before me. Words that made me feel dirty. Ugly. They taunted me. I couldn’t face my past so I deleted it every afternoon before Earl came home.
October 16, 2015
A few months later God began waking me in the night and reminding me of the pain I’d suffered and caused. As soon as I was in my wheelchair each morning, my aide set up my laptop and I wrote until there was nothing more to write.
Weeks went by before I sat down to read my notes. Abstract and disconnected words and phrases confused me. Finally, I asked God for clarity and we went through it a little at a time. I took one or two words and built sentences. I took two or three sentences and created paragraphs filling in details I recalled as I wrote. Each memory seemed to trigger another and another. Soon the story became clear.
I cried as I faced my past showing in stark detail on my computer screen. I prayed for forgiveness and my tears began washing away the hatred and anger, the shame and embarrassment, the regret and more.
God began healing my past with His love that day. He has walked with me through it all and brought me into the Light.
We can’t hide from our pasts. All of our life experiences have helped form who we are today. However, God can heal your past if you ask Him. He chooses to forget our forgiven sins.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23,24 NIV).
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